Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream