People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet