I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors