So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
just having fun
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now