*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
💁🏻♂️