Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
the three genders
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.