text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now