me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You Might Also Like
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Has there ever been a more American story?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Y’all know who you are.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.