Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos