Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*offers Batman cough drops*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*updates tinder bio*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
What if the weather talks about us?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
3% human
97% stress
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…