I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I put the mess in domestic.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.