I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Ovenable?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.