[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.