You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream