Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man