My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
figuring out my emotional availability:
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”