[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?