Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
You Might Also Like
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page