[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it鈥檚 short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Uh oh…
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?