My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.