Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.