[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*Seductively hides in the woods
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.