“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.