6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
She puts the hot in psychotic
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.