God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Born to be mild.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.