[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.