Botany good plants lately?
You Might Also Like
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Why is everyone getting married at me
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Had to try this trend 😊
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt