Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”