GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“Why you watching this shit?”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.