I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“TGIM!” – My liver
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”