Comparing yourself to others
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting