looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
termite twitter scares me
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*