Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
how was your vacation
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Europe. Made in Germany.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails