The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
lumberjacks will cut a birch
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.