ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us