your honor my client chooses dare
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis