“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Am getting real tired of your crap…
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.