Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Thursday Thought.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The options really are this bad
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.