This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.