There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Cartman: Respect my
a a
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.