Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
2022 be like
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Oh yeah that’s it
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.