No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
We’ve all been there…
Happy Friday
*orders delivery*