God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
You Might Also Like
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Love is always patient and kind.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”