wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.