Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’d use my best pan on you.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.