My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Guys, I found it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
New mindset, who dis?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!