5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.