Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?