I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
then why did i get this email
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird