Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Wednesday
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Tell the colonel to bring it
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.